Random - :(

You throw it all away. All those years. I meant nothing to you, I know that now. I was never good enough. You wanted the up most sympathy from me but yet..when I was going through a lot WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!?!?!? I needed my husband, and you weren't there. You don't know the times I cried myself to sleep, hurting and wishing that you would hold me and tell me it was alright. Why do I feel like you damned my soul to misery? How can I be angry at you for doing this to me and still want to be there for you when you are going through hard times? How can I wish that you could feel the amount of pain I have right now, but yet hope our splitting up isn't hurting you too bad??? I hope it isn't hurting you as bad as it's hurting me. It feels like I'm dying while standing. Slowly. And I'm not able to die completely. I wish I could. But I can't. Maybe I'm just too fucked up for you. Well buddy, you are just as bad as me. My only fault was loving you too much. I see that now. I pushed my friends and family away, I pulled you closer. Because I had a ridiculous thought that you understood pain and suffering. I'm sorry I'm not perfect for you. I tried. God knows I tried. I prayed and prayed until my heart was sore. I was slowly sinking into my grave, and all you did was give me a push more into it. I know you will never read this. I know if you did, you would never care anyways. You say you love me, then you crucify me. I miss you deeply. I can't sleep at night. I can't eat. The only times when I can breathe is when I am busy. Dear God I hope I get a job soon. I applied in a lot of different places. I need to keep busy. I need to be out and around people, helps me to not have time to think. You say to friends that I keep you from seeing your friends and doing some things you want to do. Well you did the same to me. How can you even think you didn't? Marriage is about give and take....compromising always. Maybe I gave you too many compliments, maybe I let you cry on my shoulder too much, and maybe I wanted the strong person I know you to be to come out. I know he is in there. I seen sparks of him from time to time. But you never let him fully come out to play. I hate I see the good in you, and you only see the worst in me. I haven't felt like this since Dad passed away. I just feel broken. The scary part is I don't think it will get any better. People keep telling me it will. But I don't think so. I accepted that you were on dialysis, I accepted that you would never hold a job, I accepted you didn't want to help me clean, I accepted that one day your back would put you in a wheelchair, I accepted you didn't have a lot of money, I accepted that you didn't have a lot of things for your house when I met you, I accepted that you didn't have a car when I met you, I accepted a lot. But you couldn't accept I was trying to work my way through all of this?  You're breaking me into pieces. And it feels like you ripped a part of me out that I can't get back. I'm stuck in the woods again. And it's at night. I'm blind as a bat right now. I still love you, care for you, and I still am hoping for the best for you. I just wish I would quit crying over you and stop hurting over you.  Sucks! I want this to be over if that is what you want. If you are happy with that girl, I want you to be happy with her. I'm sooo very sorry I ruined your life. If you haven't noticed after all these years....I'm just a big fuck up. And I'm sorry baby. I'm trying my best to get over you hun. And I'm going to keep trying. I love you sweety. Thank God you agreed to still be friends. I don't know what I would do if you quit talking to me. Goodnight dear one. ~ Cheryl Smith "Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow"