Feeling down. Going to bed.

Please God, help me save my last thread of sanity. I'm running lost, hoping that I can find my way back. I feel like my emotions are slowing dying within me. Will I soon be stone? I can't think straight. My heart still aches to see and hold him. But...I know that when I do...It will be worse to let him go. Should I move on? Is that even possible? To let go of your soulmate so quickly as he entered your life. He has lied to me, He has kept things from me, He has turned his back on me, He has kicked me out, He has said he wanted a divorce, He has packed my things, He's thrown me away, ....... He has betrayed me. My own heart of my heart. So why can't I hate him? I know it would make it easier. Therefor, I should automatically do it. Right? So why can't I? I don't feel hatred for him, I feel only hurt and pain. Never ending and unforgiving pain. I would have never done this to him.... Why....How can he do this to me? It's suffocating deafening. To have to keep telling yourself to smile and breathe. To go out and live when all you want is the opposite. I can feel the waves of the heaviness from all of it hitting me.

My body is tired, my soul is weak, my heart still sore, like my feet, my brain still busy keeping me alive, when my love is aching and wanting to die.

He doesn't want me. So what am I really holding onto? If he thinks I'm weak, he is dead wrong. I gave it my all, when he only gave me a little. If he thinks I'm going to pine and pine with all my time, then he knows me precious little. What I wouldn't give to work it all out, But APPARENTLY he never will know what true love is all about. I miss him still, I love him still, I care for him still. I still look at photographs that I shouldn't be, reading letters and cards that I shouldn't read. I know in the end, he will deny me again. But I have not clue, as to what to do. Except be honest with myself. I'm still in love, and there is no one else.