Feeling down. Going to bed.

Please God, help me save my last thread of sanity. I'm running lost, hoping that I can find my way back. I feel like my emotions are slowing dying within me. Will I soon be stone? I can't think straight. My heart still aches to see and hold him. But...I know that when I do...It will be worse to let him go. Should I move on? Is that even possible? To let go of your soulmate so quickly as he entered your life. He has lied to me, He has kept things from me, He has turned his back on me, He has kicked me out, He has said he wanted a divorce, He has packed my things, He's thrown me away, ....... He has betrayed me. My own heart of my heart. So why can't I hate him? I know it would make it easier. Therefor, I should automatically do it. Right? So why can't I? I don't feel hatred for him, I feel only hurt and pain. Never ending and unforgiving pain. I would have never done this to him.... Why....How can he do this to me? It's suffocating deafening. To have to keep telling yourself to smile and breathe. To go out and live when all you want is the opposite. I can feel the waves of the heaviness from all of it hitting me.

My body is tired, my soul is weak, my heart still sore, like my feet, my brain still busy keeping me alive, when my love is aching and wanting to die.

He doesn't want me. So what am I really holding onto? If he thinks I'm weak, he is dead wrong. I gave it my all, when he only gave me a little. If he thinks I'm going to pine and pine with all my time, then he knows me precious little. What I wouldn't give to work it all out, But APPARENTLY he never will know what true love is all about. I miss him still, I love him still, I care for him still. I still look at photographs that I shouldn't be, reading letters and cards that I shouldn't read. I know in the end, he will deny me again. But I have not clue, as to what to do. Except be honest with myself. I'm still in love, and there is no one else.

Night.

I miss your warm hugs. I miss your soft kisses. I miss the way you smile. I miss the way you smell like home. I miss your eyes gazing over me. I miss your endearing touch. I miss listening to your problems big and small. I miss the way you walk. I miss everything about you. I miss you. I hate this so much. I'm hurting and it feels like I'm dying still. I'm still trying. But I'm also still crying. I can make it through the day and evening on the side of ok. But at night, it's the roughest. Trying to make myself forget you and me, when all I want to do is hold you again. To laugh with you again. Laying my head on your chest and listening to your heart beating. It's the best sound to me. I'm trying not to call you or write you. You wouldn't answer me anyway. Why make that knife cut deeper? Goodnight sweetheart. I hope you are safe and sleeping well. I'm still praying you will get a kidney. Love you. Night. 

P.S.: Sorry I'm having a hard time with this.

HaTeFiLleD ... Living is a bonus.

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THIS! NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ME!!!! HATE MY LIFE! HATE MY PAST! HATE THE THINGS I HAVE DONE! HATE THE PEOPLE I DONE THEM TO! HATE THAT I WAS BORN! HATE THIS WORLD! HATE THAT I HAVE TO FEEL! I HATE TO FEEL! I'M JUST HATEFUL! 

Call me a bitch if you wish. 

Call me a liar, I'm not going to be the buyer.

 Call me little Miss lonely, hell call me little Miss controlie.

Feed me your hate, these demons won't disintegrate.

I know mine by name, too bad you can't say the same.

Feed me your blame, I'll let you play your game. 

Came to me all the same, we both are circling the drain.

People are nothing but shit packed in skin suits.

This includes me and you too, it's true.

The devil was in my dreams last night, he said he would tuck all of humanity in tight.

The blood on my hands become redder with the dripping of the sands.

Assemblage 23 - Disappoint

Do you believe in the nobility of suicide?
No

Just one more time
For the sake of sanity
Tell me why
Explain the gravity
That drove you to this
That brought you to this place
That pushed you down
Into the soil's embrace

Give me the chance
I was denied
To sit and talk with you
For one last time

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

I can't forget
Having to see
The words that knocked the wind
Right out of me
It's not enough
I've come undone
Trying to find sense
Where there is none

Just give me peace
You owe me that
To help ward off the fears
I must combat

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

And so I ask
For one more chance
To understand
This senseless circumstance
Help me to see
This through your eyes
The reasons I've been trying
To surmise

Though you are gone
I am still your son
And while your pain is over
Mine has just begun

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/assemblage_23/#share

Random - :(

You throw it all away. All those years. I meant nothing to you, I know that now. I was never good enough. You wanted the up most sympathy from me but yet..when I was going through a lot WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!?!?!? I needed my husband, and you weren't there. You don't know the times I cried myself to sleep, hurting and wishing that you would hold me and tell me it was alright. Why do I feel like you damned my soul to misery? How can I be angry at you for doing this to me and still want to be there for you when you are going through hard times? How can I wish that you could feel the amount of pain I have right now, but yet hope our splitting up isn't hurting you too bad??? I hope it isn't hurting you as bad as it's hurting me. It feels like I'm dying while standing. Slowly. And I'm not able to die completely. I wish I could. But I can't. Maybe I'm just too fucked up for you. Well buddy, you are just as bad as me. My only fault was loving you too much. I see that now. I pushed my friends and family away, I pulled you closer. Because I had a ridiculous thought that you understood pain and suffering. I'm sorry I'm not perfect for you. I tried. God knows I tried. I prayed and prayed until my heart was sore. I was slowly sinking into my grave, and all you did was give me a push more into it. I know you will never read this. I know if you did, you would never care anyways. You say you love me, then you crucify me. I miss you deeply. I can't sleep at night. I can't eat. The only times when I can breathe is when I am busy. Dear God I hope I get a job soon. I applied in a lot of different places. I need to keep busy. I need to be out and around people, helps me to not have time to think. You say to friends that I keep you from seeing your friends and doing some things you want to do. Well you did the same to me. How can you even think you didn't? Marriage is about give and take....compromising always. Maybe I gave you too many compliments, maybe I let you cry on my shoulder too much, and maybe I wanted the strong person I know you to be to come out. I know he is in there. I seen sparks of him from time to time. But you never let him fully come out to play. I hate I see the good in you, and you only see the worst in me. I haven't felt like this since Dad passed away. I just feel broken. The scary part is I don't think it will get any better. People keep telling me it will. But I don't think so. I accepted that you were on dialysis, I accepted that you would never hold a job, I accepted you didn't want to help me clean, I accepted that one day your back would put you in a wheelchair, I accepted you didn't have a lot of money, I accepted that you didn't have a lot of things for your house when I met you, I accepted that you didn't have a car when I met you, I accepted a lot. But you couldn't accept I was trying to work my way through all of this?  You're breaking me into pieces. And it feels like you ripped a part of me out that I can't get back. I'm stuck in the woods again. And it's at night. I'm blind as a bat right now. I still love you, care for you, and I still am hoping for the best for you. I just wish I would quit crying over you and stop hurting over you.  Sucks! I want this to be over if that is what you want. If you are happy with that girl, I want you to be happy with her. I'm sooo very sorry I ruined your life. If you haven't noticed after all these years....I'm just a big fuck up. And I'm sorry baby. I'm trying my best to get over you hun. And I'm going to keep trying. I love you sweety. Thank God you agreed to still be friends. I don't know what I would do if you quit talking to me. Goodnight dear one. ~ Cheryl Smith "Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow"

The letter that will never be sent.

To the one that loved me.

I wish you loved me still.

I can't help how I feel.

My heart is pouring out with no one to hear.

These searing, painful, devastating thoughts tearing at me making me ill.

You say you love me still.

I hope that is real.

Why is the thought in my head

Saying that I'm better off dead?

If you're going to bleed me dead

I wish you would go right fucking ahead.

A part thinks the material things are the only reason why you're still here

Maybe without them, leaving me would be your will.

I can't help that I feel like my love is not enough

I only ask for loyalty and trust, your response "tough".

I would go through hell and back a thousand times over, it's true

But I would only do it for you.

Quit playing games with me

And start being with me.

I'M SO SICK OF THIS WAIT AND SEE!

Wonder if someone would miss me as I left. Or tasted the tears that I wept. I think not.